A cow says about fortune

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/ Like an expensive sports car,           \
| fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was   |
| sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red   |
| jumpsuit moulding her body, which was   |
| as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair |
| as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing |
| like bright hubcaps, and her lips as    |
| dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the  |
| hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled  |
| by a single accelerant -- and she       |
| needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift  |
| from his views, a man to steer her      |
| along the right road: a man like Alf    |
| Romeo. -- Rachel Sheeley, winner The    |
| hair ball blocking the drain of the     |
| shower reminded Laura she would never   |
| see her little dog Pritzi again. --     |
| Claudia Fields, runner-up It could have |
| been an organically based disturbance   |
| of the brain -- perhaps a tumor or a    |
| metabolic deficiency -- but after a     |
| thorough neurological exam it was       |
| determined that Byron was simply a      |
| jerk. -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up Winners |
| in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad     |
| Writing Contest. The contest is named   |
| after the author of the immortal lines: |
| "It was a dark and stormy night." The   |
| object of the contest is to write the   |
| opening sentence of the worst possible  |
\ novel.                                  /
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